I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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