The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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