We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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