Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
