He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
