There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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