the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
