I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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