I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
