i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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