Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
