I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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