how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
