lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
