just tell him i said nine months
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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