you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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