his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm passing your future prison.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
