I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
