I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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