new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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