I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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