I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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