I just saw a hot homeless man
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
