Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize