the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
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She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
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Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.