Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
