I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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