You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
