Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
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I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
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My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.