my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
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my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
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Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.