Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
