I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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