so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
