She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
