My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
