Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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