i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
