Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
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Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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