And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
