I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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