saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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