He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
