I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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