Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
