I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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