Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?