I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT