I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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