I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
