Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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