the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am available for nakedness
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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