I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize